Chris.

He's fucking stupid.

So sleepy...

I  wish my brain would help me out a little bit when it comes to sleeping without anyone in the room. You'd figure if I were eighteen (going on nineteen) I would be a little bit more mature when it comes to my sleeping habits. Nope, still have the same mentality I had since I was a little girl. Can't sleep without Jeremy in the room. Makes me feel safe and comfortable. I pass out within minutes. I just tried to go to sleep at 11PM and woke up at 12:30AM. Woke up with hot flashes from hayl. Fell asleep at 1AM and woke up minutes ago. Can't sleep without him. I get scared. Of what, you might ask? Lots of things. Monsters and other stupid stuff my grown ass shouldn't be thinking about. I used to be able to asleep alone for a few years, but when I met Jeremy, the immaturity really came out in me. He's still helping his dad at the moment and I can't go in there to ask him to come back here to help me get back to sleep cause I'm done trying to explain shit to that sturbborn ass man. It's useless and there's no point in trying to reason with him. I just want sleep.

But on a rare happy note,
I get to go see my family and friends in Columbia tomorrow (technically today xD).
It will help me get away from the oven and his dad and step mom for a while.
I get snowballs. xD
And it distracts me from the fact that there is a high chance I'm giving birth to my first baby next month.
Latahz.

Aggitated boredom that makes me want to punch someone's Grandma in the face.

  Welp, I haven't been able to sit down with Jeremy for 30 minutes or less for about a week now and it's making me want to punch him in the face. xD He hasn't gone to bed with me or any of that shit at night either cause he stays up till' nine in the morning with his dad on the computer at home business shit and wakes up at one in the afternoon and starts on the crap again and he wonders why I pitch a bitch fit over just 30 damn minutes of 'together time'. It would be nice to play a game with him or watch a movie or something. When I'm doing almost absolutely nothing with my time cause there ain't shit to do that's enjoyable without him and I'm hot as hell in this trailer.

Anyway, I have to deal with a bad as hell five year from next door that is Jeremy's cousin and she's cute and adorable as mess but she will not fucking take no, don't, or stop for an answer. If I'm doing school work, amazingly, nobody is watching her and she comes in the room with me fucking up my concentration and shit by asking me where my make up is and she wants to play in my perfumes and play games she needs help with every two seconds by asking me questions. Mrs. Sherry is supposed to be watching her for her momma that works at school for a little bit and she doesn't do anything while I'm doing my school work and neither does Jeremy. It really pisses me off. Espcially when he's all, "How much work did you get done today?" And I answer him that I haven't had the chance and he's all, "Why?! You know we're gonna have to get this done in a couple days!" Cause he fucking knows Cameron won't sit still or be quiet and follows me every where but he has the gall to get upset or angry with my lack of productivity as far as school work goes. RAWR.

I feel like I'm turning into a really bitter and angry person. I used to not be like this at all. My sense of humor has almost completely vanished because my anger and nerves being shot prevents any laughing time at all any more because of certain expectations that I have. Jeremy doesn't ever fucking fully understand why I love Columbia so much. It's like he's completely focused on being around other people there and having fun and crap with them rather than making the effort to help me out here. It makes me jealous. I feel like my headache/anxiety meds are the only thing getting me by day and night and I'm struggling with just them doing the trick.

He recently promised me he would spend more time with me but hasn't kept that promise. Not even in the slightest bit. But enough anger ranting for now.... for fucking now. xD

I'm getting garlic bread and spaghetti this evening (COOKED BY MOI :D) and it's my favorite and even if he decides not to spend time with me, I'll force his also retarded brother to play my current favorite game, Borderlands 2 with me tonight and then we'll watch a scary movie or something. It would be nice to do this things with Jeremy a bit more but oh well. Blogging rather than blowing up at him really helps as a release, even if nobody's viewing this whiney ass/poorly written shit. d:

New shit. xD

Havent blogged in so freaking long it's not even funny. Oh, well. It's not like anybody reads this shit anways. xD But I shall give a quick summary of what has happened since my last one.

       Welp.

I'm pregnant now. xD 7 months, 3 weeks. And with a boy :D I'm in my second semester of college, taking online classes at a community college. I live with my boyfriend, his dad, and his step mom about an hour and 45 minutes away from my mom. I miss her bunches but Jeremy thinks that it's better for the baby to live in this environment. I have no current job and neither does he but we're struggling at the moment to get a vehicle because it's impossible to live 15-20 minutes away from anything to be able to get a job without one. Jeremy is the guy I mentioned in my first blog and I have accomplished making that retard mine. ;D But I am preggasaurus-rex now and it is bittersweet for me because of the circumstances and consequences that come with having a baby. I wanted to share some of this to vent.

(1.) I live in a trailer with no surrounding trees which means my end of the trailer is like a fucking oven. Especially when she who is naturally freezing all the time has the heater on constantly. I'm pregnant and have elevated blood pressure and hot flashes from hayl. So, shit sucks when you wake up from little sleep (forcefully) because your tongue is swollen, mouth is dry, and you've lost the ability to sweat because you're so dehydrated from the heat and dry air. I basically almost never have any control over the air and can't bring my air unit and pay Jeremy's dad to let me breathe comfortably in my room during my pregnancy for no reason. -__- He's a stubborn son'bish.

(2.) Jeremy and I fight or argue constantly now. Almost every time we have any free time together and I finally exploded the other night while crying during telling him this. It's usually about the reasons I really dislike it here or the lack of optimism in people. I've been with Jeremy for almost two years and we're never seperated. Constantly always together but lately I only get to see him for about 30 minutes out of the day cause he's always with his dad helping him with his recently found internet business to get rich quick. xD

(3.) I'm always hungry. It sucks when you have no money to buy your own food when you're extremely picky and your household runs out of food stamps the second they get them to buy a lot of shit you don't eat and then, later, you have nothing to eat when you have to wait for the food stamps to start over.

I'll name some more reasons of why I hate it here later when people aren't awake and could see the shit I'm writing and take offense to it. xD

But for me to be happy,
I need to be fed,
I need to be entertained,
I need to be productive,
I need social activity,
and I need variety.

Which, those things are extremely hard to come across here. >.< Except for when Ralph was here. Ralph is me and Jeremy's friend along with Chris'. Chris is Jeremy's brother who is still here but shall be leaving Saturday when we both leave for Columbia for a visit to see my momma :D But I shall update this later, when I have the strength, focus, and nobody's around. :D

Mah inner wolf and annoying ass siblings.

      Another blog? Yeah, stfu and read it. (: But Anyway, as soon as Braxton came over and shiz earlier, I got in a fight with my little brother (WHO'S LIKE 200 LBS) and beesh said stuff that pissed me off like, "YOU'RE PATHETIC AND NOT GOING TO COLLEGE AND BLAH BLAH BLAH. I'M GAY. BLAH BLAH BLAH." And I was like, "BITCH, I'M GETTING MY GED THIS MONTH AND ALREADY TALKED TO PEEPZ ABOUT GRANTZ N' SHIT AND I'M GOING TO MS STATE IN AUTUMN, MUTHAFUCKAH!" It was amazin xD And the fight progressed to him tackling my ass and I couldn't hit back cause I wanted Braxton to stay and I know how much he hates fights, but his ass still left cause of feeling sick T^T

     But anyway, I haven't sat down and read a good romance story in a while and this one wuz about werewolves and witches. And I noticed while reading it that I haz inner wolf too :D Cause the way the character described his wuz that they go by instinct and have desire. And like he was gettin' buseh wiff his mate after this LONG ass fight of bitchyness and they both hadn't done anything besides kissing so, it was all heated n' shit and JUST like ripped off any article of clothing above the waist on her and it was so intense and all of a sudden, cock blocker/bitch faced douche mastah of gayness comes in randomly and interrupts them and his inner wolf is like, "Kill him." IT MADE ME LUL. CAUSE THAT IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL SOMETIMES XDD  So, I'm really into this story so far :DD Anyone that wants to read it, here is the link to it ------>  http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2583112/1/A_Wolfs_Duty


       BETTAH COMMENT AND FOLLOW MAH ASS >:O    .... :3  

Medication and Stronger Wills.

                                                        Just a Quick Rant


                         Last night, was absolute hell for me and I was in so much pain it's not even funny. My sister, Savannah was going off on to me about how I treat my friend, Jonathon like shit even though he's in love with me. Bullshit. Not true at all. It's retarded that she even said that, Savannah and Sam forced me to get out of the house a few days ago to go with Jonathon to seminary, that I would feel better if I did. They lie, Jonathon lied when he said it too. So, he got really depressed like he usually does on a daily basis and I asked him what was wrong and I got, "Man, fuck life." So, I said, "Jonathon, didn't you say that you would help cheer me up?" And his reply? "Shit happens."

                     Now, let me take a minute to describe to you in better detail how incredibly optimistic I am. He ALWAYS does the depressed shit and I'm always there to cheer him up and make him feel better. When everyone around me is depressed, I always go to them and try to help them with their problems. I held Sam when he was crying cause Savannah broke up with his ass (twice, I've done that). But if I'm fucking sad around my house, I'm labeled with a mental disorder and I feel weak minded and crazy if I cry. I'm forced to take medication to help my "depression" that a doctor who barely talked to me diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder and I have to see a therapist every 2 weeks. I was raped when I was 7, molested when I was 14,15,16, and 17 and one time was recently. NOBODY heard me complain about that shit. I always keep myself bright and happy for the benefit of others and it stresses me out to know people worry about me. Dunno why exactly, but I don't wanna stress them out cause of me sad about a little thing.

           Anyway, back to Jonathon at Seminary. I got angry and I didn't want to be an asshole to someone at their own house that's not within walking distance back to my house, so I was going to drink a little hard alcohol until I was a little tipsy so I could keep my mind off it. Seven shots later, I didn't feel the effects at all and I went outside and just watched the stars. I don't know when but my drunkeness finally kicked in and I was stumbling all over the place and shit, after that Jonathon came out with a loaded gun to his head and I was screaming and crying for him to stop and he kept calling me a heartless bitch and he's doing it because of me and looked back at me and saw me shaking and he sighed and went inside and I called Lacey and she gave me this guy I think I'm in love with's number and I called him ranting to him that I'm sorry for being drunk and I love you and blah blah blah.

            So, me being drunk also fucked me over royally (crown royal, haha xD) when it came to the person I like's best friend and my friend, but they Jeremy stays at Kyle's and I get to spend the night with both of them  and it makes me happy, but since Kyle found out that I called Jeremy drunk, he's pretty much banning my ass from his house. Like he did last time.

          Last night, I tried to go and talk to Sam and he pissed me off and basically told me that it doesn't matter if I think I'm unhappy and life's not fair, I still have to suck it up and get over with it, which is what I do ALL the time and I get absolutely no credit for it and it pisses me off and my ass started crying again and we got in a fight and jazz.

     I've done more crying in the past few days than I have in the past few months. -_- I feel all stupid again. I just really need to see my Lacey. But anyway, I have my supah awesome fran'z Braxton and Brett coming over in a few minutes and we'z gonna hang out, so I shall blog latahz :3


                               SEND ME A COMMENT OR SOMETHING, BRUH BRUH! >.<

Wedding Dresses, Insomnia, and Mah First Blog. :D

                                             My random ass introduction:

    So, to start off, I hate peanut butter with a fiery passion so intense that you'll want to punch your grandma in the stomach repeatedly. I was born in 1994 on the fourth of April and I'm 17 years old :D Pretty neat considering the fact that I have a shit ton of fours in my birthday. Why is that neat? Let's just say Japanese people are extremely superstitious and would not take kindly to me if I told them my birthday xD Speaking of Japan, I'M SO GOING THERE ONE DAY. LIKE, YOU DON'T EVEN MUCH LESS KNOW HOW SERIOUS I BE. >:O I want kimonos, kotatsus, sakura trees, etc. :DD


                                                       Currently I am...: 


I'm a high school drop out, getting my GED, and working at a snowball stand. I haven't really achieved that much through anybody else's point of view, but I have to have faith in whatever things that I struggle with. For example, I used to do drugs every chance I could get. Adderall, Marijuana, etc. I used to drink a shit ton too. I still struggle with those things but at least I'm making the effort to get better. I'm a chain smoker at the moment and I used to have chewing tobacco all the time. 

      Point is, I'm easily addicted to things that make my life by any means, easier. Even if most people thinks it's pathetic. I was raised to the extent of where I automatically distract myself from any sort of emotional pain cause I'm afraid to be upset or cry. I guess you can say I'm a little bit TOO optimistic. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sugar coating myself out to be this awesome person that is happy all the time. I'm depressed cause I can't be openly depressed and my family fucked me over royally in that way. I have major insomnia cause of my depression, I claw my skin in neurotic, nervous break downs, I bottle up my emotions to the point where after a LONG time, I can't stop crying for like 30 mins without making a sound. It sounds pretty pitiful, doesn't it? Well, you can take your pity and shove it up your ass cause I don't expect any of it. I'm really grateful for what I've gone through in my life but I'm content with the fact that some people have less coping skills than I do. So, when I need a release,... lately, I just turn to a cigarette. Better than a lot of things I've wanted to try... I've had several offers of really hard drugs. I'm pretty sure I'll get better with my addictions as I grow older and mature and I'm out of this shit environment.



                                         Today's Adventure of Magical Retardation :D


                          
                I was with my friend, Karen and we talked about a bunch of junk when it came to romance and it really helped me realize my feelings for a guy. Yeah, typical of a 17 year old girl to talk about boys, huh? Well, fuck you too. >:O I'm different. I don't ever say I'm in love with a guy and I've known this one for months without being in a relationship with him and I'm pretty damn sure I have some intense feelings for him. I RARELY get in relationships and I really wish this guy would accept my feelings for him. If only he would realize how incredibly special, beautiful, and hysterical he is to me. -_- But I guess that's the way life is, you don't always get what you want... but I really don't feel like shrugging this off. Anyway, when I see him this weekend when I go get my friend, Lacey, he's going to spend the night at my house and I'm going to make damn sure he knows how much he means to me in two separate ways ;D Fuckin' suggestive winkeh face FTW xD  But anyway, I love Karen to death. She makes me feel like a normal girl again when I talk to her about romantic topics.


                                         Questions, concerns, or comments? 

                If you want to ask me anything, feel free to do so. I love taking advice :D And my question of today's blog is:  How do I explain to someone that I might be in love with them without being pushy about it?